This summary guide explains what to do if a child tells you something that indicates they may be being or have been sexually abused, and how the child may be feeling at the time.
It is designed for all practitioners who work with children: youth workers, all staff in schools/colleges and early years settings, nursery and play workers, medical professionals, sports coaches, youth justice workers, health visitors, social workers and others.
The context
There are many reasons why children find it hard to tell practitioners or anyone else that they are being or have been sexually abused. For example, the child may:
- be frightened, ashamed or embarrassed to tell
- feel they are responsible for the abuse
- not understand that what is happening to them is sexual abuse
- think they won’t be believed
- be hindered by cultural barriers and family loyalties
- not have the language to describe what is happening
- have communication difficulties that prevent them from telling.
Where a child does find the courage to tell someone about their sexual abuse, it is unusual for them to tell everything about it in one go. Remember that telling is a process, not a one-off event.
It’s important to be prepared and ready for that conversation whenever it happens, and to be able to plan next steps. The main things to remember are:
- Respond with openness and a willingness to hear, and be reassuring and empathetic.
- Your primary concerns are to keep the child (and other children) safe from harm, and to ensure their wellbeing.
Make sure you provide opportunities for children to talk to them about what is happening.
Do not wait for the child to approach you if you already have concerns that the child is being sexually abused.
You can – and should – talk directly to children, and families, about any concerns of sexual abuse.
Remember that telling is process, not an event.
If a child has hinted at or told you that they are being sexually abused, in most cases it is because they want you to know and want you to help it stop.
How may the child be feeling
If the child talks to you spontaneously (i.e. unprompted) about being sexually abused, this may be for one or more of a number of reasons:
- they have come to recognise that they have been abused or are uncomfortable with what’s happening
- they trust you to act on the information
- their need or wish to tell has built until they cannot contain the secret any longer
- they may have told you accidentally.
Whether they have told you accidentally or deliberately, they may worry what the consequences will be for them and their family and what will happen next. This will be more likely if the person who has harmed them still has access to them or has threatened them with consequences if they tell.
How can you best help the child?
If a child has hinted at or told you that they are being sexually abused, in most cases it is because they want you to know and want you to help it stop. And by choosing to tell you about the abuse, they are likely to think they have a trusting and reliable relationship with you.
Be mindful that people who sexually abuse children use a range of tactics to groom, intimidate, and threaten children to ensure compliance and keep the abuse secret. This might include telling them they won’t be believed, or threatening consequences for them or their family member if they tell anyone.
At all times, your response should take account of the child’s personal characteristics and how these might increase their vulnerability and shape their response to the abuse – but be careful not to make assumptions about the child based on their characteristics
What the child says in your initial conversation may be vague, and they may appear unsure of what they are telling you.
- Tell the child that you have heard them and you will take action.
- Accept what they tell you.
- Stay calm.
- Give a clear message that what has happened to them is not OK.
- Be careful not to give the impression that you are judging them or what they are saying.
To learn more about things to avoid saying, response that might be helpful, finishing the conversation and next steps, read our Communicating with Children Guide.
After the initial conversation, record your concerns in a contemporaneous note.
You may not need a follow up conversation – but if you do, it should focus on getting the information that you need to decide whether a referral to children’s social care should be made to ensure the child’s safety and protect their wellbeing. Once you have done this, you can move carefully towards the end of your conversation – but be careful not to shut the child down when they are speaking.
- Any practitioner who has concerns about a child’s welfare should follow local guidance and make a referral to children’s social care.
- Where there is a concern that the child is suffering significant harm or is likely to do so, an immediate referral should be made.
- If the child is at risk of imminent harm, contact the police on 999.
- Tell the child’s parent(s) as well as the child that you will be making a referral, unless it is unsafe to do so.
- Make sure that the only people who are aware of the situation are those who need to know about it in order to safeguard the child.
Think about the child’s need for emotional support, whatever their age.
- It’s OK to talk to the child about how they are feeling, but asking too many questions and probing the details of the abuse is not helpful. Let the child tell you what they are comfortable with.
- Make sure they know they can access specialist services, and how.
- Take whatever steps you can to ensure that emotional support is available to the child when they want and need it – our summary guide Supporting the child’s emotional health and wellbeing can help.
- Consider whether you are in a position to support the child in telling their non‑abusing parent(s) about the abuse, if they have bot already done so, and to support the parent(s) in coming to terms with it – not least so that they in turn can support their child.
Our summary guides can also help you to support the child’s education, their relationships with family and friends, and their physical health and wellbeing – including by contacting your local sexual assault referral centre (SARC), which can provide specialist support, advice and medical care in a child-friendly environment.